Real Programmers

REAL Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

REAL Programmers don't put comments in their programs. If it was hard to write, it should be very hard to understand, and even harder to modify.

REAL Programmers don't document their programs. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from dumps.

REAL Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. They think the decimal was invented by pansy bedwetters who are unable to think BIG.

REAL Programmers' programs NEVER work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into working order in 'only a few' 30 hour debugging sessions.

REAL Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.

REAL Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programming is for dullards who can't do system programming.

REAL Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, NO programmer writes in BASIC after puberty.

REAL Programmers don't write in Visual BASIC neither. VB is simply punishment for those wimpy programmers that can't "hack" PB.

REAL Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.

REAL Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business Oriented Laymen who can't run a business much less a REAL program.

REAL Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulations.

REAL Programmers don't write PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.

REAL Programmers don't write in APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.

REAL Programmers don't write in LISP. Only San Francisco programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.

REAL Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA or any other of those sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

REAL Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any programs at all.

REAL Programmers hide in the top left-hand drawer of their desk, a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions. Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office.

(REAL Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.)

REAL Programmers don't use flowcharts. Flowcharts are an imbecilic form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look what good it did them.

REAL Programmers never work from 9 to 5. If any REAL Programmers are around at 9 A.M., it's because they were up all night.

REAL Programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in microwave ovens.

REAL Programmers use the heat given off the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.

REAL Programmers disdain so-called 'Structured Programming' techniques. Structured Programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

REAL Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK.

REAL Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

REAL Programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course, THEY are the Project Leader.

REAL Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

REAL Programmers don't drive rusted out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns or pickup trucks with floor shifters. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

REAL Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers 'firm up' schedules. Frightened coders strive to 'meet' schedules.

REAL Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every REAL program. Jerk System Architects won't allow EXECUTE instructions to address another EXECUTE instruction as the target instruction.

REAL Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. And vending machines DO NOT sell quiche!

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